Quitting a Job gave me Depression Episode 1 Part 1

 Let me begin on the part before I quit my job. I had everything planned out. I would use this time to upskill and get lots of things done for my portfolio. I would learn a bunch of coding and make a great portfolio so that no one could turn me down. What I hadn't planned on was actually being selected for a position just as my summer vacation was starting. Well what was an unemployed loser like me going to decide? Stay at home and feel worthless while my parents tried not to hurt my feelings about what a loser I was because I didn't have a job insincerely. Or take this job and get a decent salary?

So out of emotional desperation I took the job and I was officially employed. Everything was good right? Wrong. I had to get up at 5 am in the morning l, switch transportation 3 times and take an overall 3 hours to get to work and back home again. I got home at 8 so I literally had to eat in 10 minutes before the sleep kicked in. All day long I had to stand because the boss forbade us to sit saying it would be bad for the product quality. So my feet never stopped aching the entire time I worked for them because I was told to stand all day long.

Not only that, I also found out that from the very beginning the company had messed up my personal information. For some reason everyone got the company emails which had important updates for the employees. Except, of course, me. Because for some inane reason I had the worst luck ever. For the entire first week everyone knew what product they were in charge of except me. I literally had to find out something was wrong by hearing how excited everyone was about which product they were doing. I'm assuming this was the reason for bombarding me with the rights of passage a week right before the first day of work.

So when I was notified that I got the job, there was only one week left before the training started. I accepted as soon as I got it but it took them 3 days to respond back to me about where the f I should even go to for the training. When they did respond it was only to tell me that I needed a health check up for drugs and stuff. I mean how the f was I suppose to book an appointment for a clinic that in the day. If you have never needed to get a drug screening checkup then you wouldn't know. Everything is booked way ahead of time. I had to book an appointment with a clinic that was like 3 miles away from my house because the clinic that is actually close to my house was completely booked. Just in case, because I am a meticulous person, I decided to take a chance and tried to wait in person at the at the clinic that was close to my house because the clinic that was 3 miles away only had an appointment after training starts. I waited half a day and walked for 30 minutes back and forth from my house to the clinic.

At the time I took this as a good sign. Little did I know, it was actually an I'll omen for the suffocating depression I would suffer after I quit my job.

The thing that really got to me was that I had to complete all the documentation and drug screening a week before the training started when others had already gotten their documentations in 3 months prior because they were notified earlier of their acceptance. I couldn't help but think that I was a second choice to them. I went through all this trouble to satisfy their standards and I still end up in second place.

I thought I could do it but I couldn't. Not only that but the entire time I was at work everyone had these tiny little cliques because they had started working together before me. I tried to get along but it was like there was an invisible barrier. They never included me in anything and didn't even want to share their contact information with me even though they shared it with each other. I felt like I was waddling by myself the entire time.

If that wasn't enough the boss that I had was toxic a f. Since I was new the boss made extra sure to keep an eye on me. If I asked a simple question like "should I place this here?" They would just look at me like I was an idiot and answer in this really slow way like it was obvious. And they went out of their way to make sure that they humiliated me in front of my colleagues if they saw something that they didn't like. They would micromanage me and just take over my product line and overall let everyone see I wasn't doing my job well even though the situation was not that big of a deal and I was handling it. My boss just made it a big deal and even announced it in front of everyone. They could have talked to me in another room but they chose not to. Instead they decided to yell out everything in the office everyone shared.

Next there was the equipment. During the training they taught us everything except how to actually use the equipment. So I was like asking people how to use the walkie talkies and the boss was acting like everyone else knows how to use them why don't you? Its because they worked here longer then me douchebag. Also if you have never used a walkie talkie before you should probably know, you won't understand anything the person is saying through the walkie talkie. No one actually understood anything on it. But no on me actually said anything about it. The thing is the walkie talkie incident became a big deal because apparently my work partner and I weren't where we were supposed to be. But do you know why we weren't? It was because the schedule they gave us for the week was trash. There were events that were not even on the schedule. I only knew that because I directly asked the coordinator. The coordinator was like "oh that means we go outside. We're not having that event today" if we go outside just say we go outside instead of giving me a random schedule where nothing is concrete. The time was completely off. And the boss was like "everyone else was outside why weren't you?" I wasn't outside because I was following your cruddy schedule. And everyone else was outside because they have each other's contact info so they just send a text and just know where to be even though no one else does.

Another thing I would like to is that my parents did not help. They kept asking me if it was a "sitting down" job because they value jobs that require the use of brains instead of brawn. How the heck was I suppose to reply to that? I felt like if I told them the truth I would be categorized as someone who was going to be working jobs that required brawn for the rest of my life. I also overheard my parents especially my father talking about how other kids make more money or something like that. I just heard them talking through the thin walls. I'm not entirely sure if that's what they actually said. Still just thinking about whether or not they said it was another cause for concern.

So an incident happened where a product that I was in charge of was missing temporarily. My partner was going bonkers with worry; running around looking from table to table. The product was missing for like 5 minutes before we got a walkie talkie call saying that one of the other workers had moved the product.

Naturally I was called in along with my work partner. My partner who was a fragile little flower was walking with me along the hallway and I turned around in front of the boss' office and my partner was gone. It was like one of those anime moves where the main character thinks his friend was with them to fight the evil demon king but then he turns around and there is only a lonely wind blowing behind them. That was when I realized I was alone. So I straightened my back and entered the boss' lair. And I exited with the life sucked out of me.

I was wearing this tool belt so it made my steps clunky. There was a somber aura of seriousness. The boss covered their mouth with their clasped hands focused on me as I entered the room. The boss' henchman was standing on the side with a clipboard like he was on the verge of writing me up... Whatever that means. I took a seat in front of them as best I could in the tiny chair they provided me with. I'm sure you can guess what happened, but in a nutshell, they blamed me for the entire fiasco of apparently losing a product that I never lost in the first place. They asked me where my partner was and I can't even remember how I answered that question. They asked me if I thought I was capable of working with them. They made me feel so incompetent even though I was doing my best and I was really good at getting stuff done. I was the one who learned my colleagues' name, the product name, and talked to the boss about our plans. I did all that and they told me all day long our team was what worried them most. They always worried about our team and kept an eye out I'm assuming to catch us for any mistakes. But while their looking at us their not looking at the other teams and their mistakes. I felt like it was all my fault. I thought that I was the problem. So if I removed myself from the situation, from this work, everyone's life would be better off, since I was the one who was horrible at my job.

After taking their verbal abuse for the whole meeting my partner did not come in at all. I finally got up to leave but the chair was so effing small that it got knocked over as I was getting up. That comical effect did not at all make the atmosphere any less serious. It was like the universe was letting me see how incompetent I was. And this happened in front of my boss so I'm sure their animosity grew. I felt like I was a child pretending to be an adult who was responsible when I was really just a 5 year old naive kid. I left and tried to hold it in and did my work like usual. At the end of the day they called both of us again this time all my colleagues were in the room and just obnoxiously said everything. My partner got away by being teary eyed and remorseful of the whole incident. The boss took one look at my partner and didn't spit out a smidgen of the degrading, esteem crushing stuff they said to me.

At that point I thought this: why did I bother being strong when I should have been weak and pitiful. I even knew the fact that the jury empathized with people who showed how sorry they were. But no, I had to hold it all together and be strong.

On the bus ride from work that day I texted my boss I was quitting. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt so free and light. But I was just fooling myself. A day later it hit me. I was a quitter. I quit. I had never thought of myself as a quitter. I was a person who walked to school even on snowy days, mostly because my parents would sooner let me die on a slippery slope rather than let me stay home, but still. I was a hardworking person. Quitting like that really impacted my view of myself. I had an impending doom of my future. Was this how I was going to be for the rest of my life. Quit when it got tough? And then a 5 month long depression started.

I felt so incompetent even after I quit. For months I just binged movies and tv shows. I could not get the memory of them embarrassing me and making me feel incompetent in front of my coworkers. I was yelling nonsensically at thin air and thrashing about. I just did not know what to do. I felt humiliated. I could not stop thinking about all of the people I disappointed by quitting.

Please watch the next video to find out how I overcame depression.